Requirements of a Social Guru

Dear All

In light of the recent bad news regarding the dwindling job opportunities, we have an exciting new offer for anyone who is well qualified. A Social Guru is required to convert a socially awkward anomaly into a social icon. Apart from adopting an awkward ‘Vai’ (as our current Social Guru puts it), the Social Guru gets to interact with an amusing character with a different perception to the ‘normal’. The ‘Vai’ you get to adopt, doesn’t need to be fed regularly, though you might have to drive him around, back and forth, again and again, as he commits one social blunder to another. Apart from a lot of patience, a high intellect goes along well with this work (our current Social Guru has an IQ of 152).

Coming down to the responsibilities, some of them can be enumerated as follows:
1. Social dancing – while ‘Vai’ is already taking some dance classes, he needs more practice than most normal people. this means, you might have to organize a lots of impromptu post 1 am salsa practice sessions in the front porch of 2717 Orchard Avenue. Also, ‘Vai’ needs to be taken out for ‘socializing’ once every two weeks or he will forget all that he learned during the past month.

2. Driving – ‘Vai’ can travel on Metro, but he needs a ride back home after every outing. No matter how important your ‘commitments’ for the night stand to be, you will have to make sure he reaches back home in one piece and without getting mugged, or worse, ‘Vai’-napped!

3. Interaction – If you wait long enough, ‘Vai’ will always amuse you with his take on normal stuff. He is a real social anomaly and his point of view can make you break into pearls of laughter. It’s good that he doesn’t have ego issues, so you can laugh on his face if you want.

4. Experience – Under no circumstances is the Social Guru required to step into ‘Vai’s apartment. It is advisable to avoid it, as his current dwellings aren’t fit for female Homo sapiens. Where experiences are concerned, at the end of the day, ‘Vai’ will ensure that you always have a story to tell.

5. Fashion – ‘Vai’s dressing sense sucks. In his own words, ‘Vai’ comes with ‘default Windows 95 settings which only understands 15 colors.’ For him, Peach is a fruit and Maroon is the current Social Guru’s favorite band. He is more prone to wearing aesthetically horrifying color combinations and his sense of style is moronic and petrifying. It might be suffice to mention that he owns a neon-yellow ‘dress’ shirt and a golden colored sweater which he loves to wear.

6. Accents – ‘Vai’ is said to be Indian (seems more of a Martian to most people though), and he has an Indian accent. More often than not, you won’t understand the messages he leaves on your answering machines and you have to correct this.

7. Socializing – ‘Vai’ isn’t gay, no matter what he may seem to be. No matter how he interacts with people, this is not to be considered ‘normal’ as he is a red blooded male creature who hasn’t had luck with any women (‘Girls come into my life, inspect the premises and then decide on alternative accommodations elsewhere’ – Richard Gordon). You have to help him change that. It must be noted that nothing is implicit with ‘Vai’. He needs to be schooled how he must exactly interact with the fairer sex in the minutest details. He currently has some one in his cross hairs, but he needs your help or else this ship will sink too.

Some of the things you need to remember about a ‘Vai’ is that he is idiosyncratic, hypocrite, frivolous, annoying, demeaning, selfish, self centered and thinks very highly of himself. Putting up with him is a challenge. Please don’t apply if you can’t handle any of the above things. It is worth mentioning that, the current Social Guru, though very apt and qualified, is now fleeing the country as we speak. If you think you have the required qualifications and motivations, or just want to test your skills, or have suicidal thoughts or even psychopathic inclinations, you are free to adopt a ‘Vai’. We can assure you that he will change your life.

Sincerely,
The Hiring Committee
The ‘Vai’ organization.

(I don’t know how she put up with this, but Ashley Zeldin had a very tough role to play and she played it with panache. It is very hard to find a replacement for her and we wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t find anyone. In any case, it must be noted that we should never underestimate the effect we might have on other people. The current Social Guru needs all commendations she can have, cause she did a fine job putting up with a ‘Vai’)